Love Languages 101 — REFINE Magazine

By: Camillia Benjamin

Determining your love language is essential in all relationships. Whether they be romantic, familial, or platonic relationships, knowing how you love and how you feel loved will help the relationship flourish.

There are different types of love languages and ways to discover what yours is. The love languages include quality time, words of affirmation, gift receiving, acts of service, and physical touch.

What is a love language? It is a language and thus a form of communication between two or more parties.

Lauren Edwards, a freshman finance major at Kennesaw University, was kind enough to help me understand love languages personally and broke all of them down into easy definitions.

Before we move any further, let’s breakdown each love language, and maybe by the end of this, you’ll know what yours is.

First, we have quality time. Quality time can vary in definition. It can mean being in the same place at the same time and just being present. Some people view it as doing something together.

“You are with the person you love and actively spending time together,” defined Dilara Eran, a senior global studies and Spanish double major, when describing quality time, which is her own primary love language.

Orlando Irizarry, a freshman social work major, also has quality time as his love language. “Quality time can be spent doing an activity together or just being together sitting in silence,” he said. “As long as we are together, that is good enough for me”.

I believe quality time is being able to be physically near the individual and enjoying something together. My favorite example is going on a car ride together. Yes, I will go with you to put gas in your car. Yes, I want to come with you to the barbershop (but I will not go inside with you).

Little things like that equate to quality time; however, it is a major part of any relationship.

Next up is words of affirmation. This is one of my top three. Hearing that someone is proud of me or in my corner through trying times is that extra push I need to keep going and see things through. This can be something as small as “I’m proud of you” or “Good job” or something much more detailed and extravagant. It is something simple yet heartwarming and can make anyone’s day.

Physical touch has multiple stages as a love language. It could be holding hands, an arm around a shoulder, a hug, anything. It ties in a little bit with quality time. Watching a movie cuddled up with a blanket is the best of both worlds for someone whose love languages are quality time and physical touch. People who have this love language feel loved the most with any sort of intimacy.

Another love language is receiving gifts. There is genuinely no cost value put on the present, and it is truly about the thought put into the gift. An easy and effective way to show your partner or friend you care for them is by getting them something they like just because a typical one is flowers or a favorite meal/candy. Something that takes more time to think about raising the thought value of the gift as a whole is a gift basket. These are great-themed gifts and allow you to use your creativity. I love a good Christmas or Valentine’s basket.

Acts of service are best when it isn’t asked for prior. This looks like doing something for your partner/friend that you wouldn’t usually do regularly. Let’s say you all usually go out for breakfast; staying in and cooking for them would be a way to spice things up and show them that you care. If they are usually the ones driving to places, offer to drive them one day and let them relax. It doesn’t have to be anything super crazy, just enough to show them that you care and want them to feel loved.

I spoke with some Temple students about their experiences with finding their love languages and how they could successfully move forward with them playing a major role in their relationships. The students pointed out essential factors in a successful relationship.

Mercy Sackor, a freshman journalism major, stated that communication and comprehension are important in a relationship. “People can talk and say how they feel, but their partner might just hear it and not digest it,” Sackor said.

When I heard this response, it dawned on me that comprehension is one of the most critical factors in a relationship. I had never heard anyone bring up comprehension alongside communication, and when Mercy mentioned it to me, it clicked. Things in my own experiences started to make sense.

“Without clear communication, nothing is possible in protecting the longevity of a relationship” said Eran.

Without communication and comprehension, no one can expect the relationship to flourish to its full potential.

While love language as a rock-solid definition is universal, everyone explains it differently as it is something that can be special and unique to everyone.

Elizabeth Jackson, a junior kinesiology major, described it as the “way you love someone and how you want their love in return. Discovering it early on and explaining it to your partner makes the entire dating process so much easier,” she said.

Jordan Harris, senior public relations major, agreed that knowing your partner’s love language prior was important, saying that it made her current relationship “ten times easier to navigate and progress.”

Not only are love languages important in romantic relationships, but they are also crucial in friendships. The same way you know what not to say or do to upset your best friend, you need to know how they like to be loved and made to feel important. In high school, I enjoyed quality time and words of affirmation, I still do.

With all of the things I do, especially writing, someone telling me they’re proud of me or that they like my finished products is all I need to keep me doing the work and to make me feel better about myself. When I came to college, words of affirmation still took precedence over anything else, especially in friendships, because now, I was alone and far away from my friends, and all of us were super busy during that quality time, even virtual, was not something we could attain on a regular basis.

It’s even more important to note the way that you love to give love. Some people are receptive to their friends’ and partner’s love language and will provide the love that way, while others have a universal way of showing their love to other people.

I love an excellent gift-giving situation any time of year but, Christmas gave me an excuse to do it at another level. I thoroughly enjoy going out and finding something that I think someone would like based on previous conversations and buying it for them. When we celebrated Christmas my senior year of high school, I came to school earlier than I would’ve liked with a sack full of presents and a tray filled with more. I was excited to give it to everyone and put a smile on their faces. While the gifts weren’t extravagant, the thought and time I put into thinking, executing, and giving out the gifts made the whole experience like an adrenaline rush.

My love language when it comes to showing love to other people is gift giving and acts of service even though I receive love with words of affirmation and quality time.

It’s complicated isn’t it? I know.

Now that we’ve established what love languages are and have real-life examples, let’s dissect why they are so important.

Not only are they important to make sure all parties in the relationship feel loved and secure, but it’s a crucial piece of communication. Love language is exactly how it sounds: a language, a form of communication, Knowing your love language is vital to your happiness.

Love languages aren’t just used in romantic relationships; they can be used in friendships and on yourself and will be the same language no matter the extent of the relationship in question. I struggled with finding mine, and it ultimately cost me some valuable relationships after I took some time for myself. I realized that what I thought was “missing” was the desire I had for quality time and words of affirmation.

Even in reflecting on past friendships that didn’t work out, I realized that it was always me giving and giving and never receiving. That dynamic led to internalized and pent-up anger and disappointment, which exploded at the first chance it had. I don’t regret these past relationships as I think they forced me to get to know myself and other people better than before.

In the words of Kehlani, there are a lot of ways to love someone. Once you find that special way, the relationship will flourish.